Epiphany in the Oval Office--II

[This is a continuation of Epiphany I, a chapter written in the year 2000. The details about the proposed book of political satire are described in a blog on May 10, 2016 entitled "Democracy for Dummies."]

You're right Dave. We need something that is immediately recognizable anywhere in the world. something we might be able to use like a logo on the printed version of my speech, alongside the Seal of the United States, of course. maybe if the logo caught on we could use it over and over.

Great idea Mr. President.

Something simple and immediately recognizable, like the Nike Swoosh symbol.

Right Mr. President. I always get off on the Swoosh symbol.

Dave, you should be careful with your choice of words. Not everyone would appreciate your saying "getting off."

Oh, Mr. President, I meant nothing. Its just an expression.

You know Dave, there's a stain in the Oval Office. One that I pledged to eliminate.

Yes sir, that's why we tore up the old rugs and brought in new furniture.

Okay Dave, back to the logo idea. The image I keep getting is the soaring bald eagle holding a large
fish in its talons, taking the fish back to feed the young.

Are you taking this in a religious direction, sir. Starting with one fish and then feeding the world. That might be a little tricky.

Instead of the fish, Dave, the eagle will be holding the world in its talons. By God, that's it. Feeding the world with the world. The world is in all of us and we are in the world. So when the eagle--which is the U.S.--carries the world back to its nest it is serving the world with a little bit of all of us. And since the U.S. is the only country that has at least one person from each of the 200 nations in the world, we can honestly say "we are the world."

Mr. President, I hope you won't take offense, but I feel very spiritual at this moment. It's like being present at the creation.

It's okay Dave. We are having a once in a lifetime experience. No, more than a lifetime. It's probably once in the history of time. I feel like we should do something, but I don't know what. Should we pray? Or get a photographer in here to capture this moment. Maybe we should find out what's going on at this very instant anywhere in the world. Dave, turn on CNN.

So Mr. Pratt, despite the devastation your community has felt from the twister that ripped through your homes and streets earlier this week, you remain optimistic. Mona Krapp of CNN goes on, putting in the mouth of Mr. Pratt every positive, uplifting thing any human might say after a tornado destroyed their home. That is an inspiring story for all of us. thank you Mr. Pratt and good luck to you. This is Mona Krapp in Gnawbone, Idaho. Back to you Bill.

Mr. President, this can't be an accident. Idaho has more bald eagles than anyplace in the world. And at the same instant that you are talking about bald eagles, CNN is doing a live story from the home of the bald eagle. What does all this mean Mr. President?

I see a pattern here Dave. Eagles equals the U.S. holding the globe, which means we must take charge. Helping the world through the world means no big foreign aid packages. The number twelve is the sum of the number of openings in the human body, plus three, which is trinity. None of this can be an accident. All we need now is a plan! Dave, get this idea to the action guys and tell them to come up with a plan.

The Plan: Meeting of the NSA and CIA
OK ladies and gentlemen, and I use those words lightly, we have the President's concept paper, so let's make sure we are all on the same page. This is an off-the-books operation with joint oversight by only Top Eyes of the National Security Council and the Central Intelligence Agency. POTUS gave his concept paper to one of his advisors for comment and it found its way to us. The planned UN speech is not our concern, but Top Eyes see in the speech the potential for a new operation of great potential importance. The six of us are the only ones that will work on this project.. We will meet as a group with no side operations. If anything leaks, it will be from this group, and the source will be fried.

What's our public cover?

We are the DeDum project, DD for short. When someone asks what DD is, we give it a light touch, like El Primero is trying to decide between Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum for a new international initiative and we are providing info from global operations for the wonks. But for us, De Dum means Democracy for Dummies!

You are getting more and more creative, chief. I knew that lit degree from Yale would come in handy some day.

Okay, back to the concept paper.

What's with the eagle and globe? Looks like the Marine Corp symbol. Why couldn't we just use that?

Too much baggage. Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli; too many people remember that kind of help.

I don't get the 12-step stuff. That's for the boozers. Are we supposed to take it seriously?

Look, 8-steps, 10 steps, 12 steps, whatever. We are looking for a step-by-step program of what countries can do to become like us.

He wants 12 steps, let's give him 12 steps.

What do mean by "become  like us?"

Now you're talking. That's the key question. You remember Walt Rostow's scheme 30 years ago. It was all bullshit, but we got a lot of mileage out of it. Countries spent years trying to get to the "take off stage," but they never took off.

You can't take off without an engine.

In order to know what "become like us" means, let's consider the target, which is the globe. There are 200 states out there and they are not all the same. What are the important differences? How can we group the target states so that we can develop a plan of attack? Let me try a baseball analogy and see what you think. Think of those 200 countries as being in a ball game. Some of them come to bat and they hit a triple, putting them on third base, The U.S. is on third base as are most of the other OECD countries of Western Europe. They are the rich countries with GNP per capita close to $25,000. Now, they think they got on third base because of their talent, but they got a lot of help along the way. Take the U.S. for example. They used the slaves to build their agricultural base. Then they stole the Indians land for westward  expansion and built the railroads and their industrial system on the backs of immigrants.

That's great story chief. Is it really true?

I think so, but not everyone agrees. Now let's repackage that story so that it comes out describing the early American's entrepreneurial spirit, the hardships of the frontier, technological innovation, democratic government, civic pride, and the whole nine yards.

Okay, let's keep going. On second base are the middle-income countries with about $2,500 GNP per capita. These countries are poor second-cousins to the rich ones. They are very dependent on the economies of the OECD states for their hard currency and for foreign investment in general.

Then there are the bloop single hitters. They can barely hit the ball out of the infield. They are the poor countries with per capita GDP around $300. People here have low life expectancy, low levels of literacy, and very high fertility. Not where you want to go for a vacation (lots of cheers and laughter).  The only reason these countries are even on first base is because of international aid that keeps their people hovering around mass starvation.

Great picture, chief. Is that it?

Not so fast Brad! There are also the states that the poli-sci geniuses refer to as "failed states." They are still in the batter's box and probably can't even see the pitcher or the ball. Chaos prevails in this zone. If you send them aid it will go into the pockets of a corrupt leader and his cronies. They are not even on the screen when talking about per capita GDP.

But what does all this have to do with POTUS's need to give a talk at the UN? He's not going to tell them who can hit triples and doubles, and who's going to be striking out for the next hundred years.

Okay, Bud. I didn't want to talk about this yet, but let me put it out there. The chiefs over at the NSC and CIA think that El Primero's ramblings about our place in the globe, eagles who feed the world, and the 12-step help programs were hysterical. They were supposed to help El Primero flesh out his UN speech, but they couldn't stop laughing when they read his memo. Then they started to see in this nut-cake idea the ingredients for a plan of how to get the world back on track led by the good old US of A.

Okay chief, you got my attention.

We all know that things have been fowled up ever since the Soviets collapsed. Shit prevails! There is no stable order in international relations and there is no way to scare people into line with the threat of Soviet expansion or nuclear exchanges. The USSR was big and scary, but Russia is just another wanna-be, and we crammed most of their former client states into NATO. [The group starts to break up with shouts of  Give me the old Cold War, and singing America the Beautiful and My Country Tis of Thee].

Listen up you comedians, and learn. I'm looking to you pretend rocket scientists to develop this program to get America back on top. We have to take American ideas, repackage them, and send them out to the world and teach them how to live.

We are going to break up into three teams, each with a specific assignment. We will work on our own and reassemble to pull things together. Alpha Team will focus on the political system. Your code name will be "Soaring Eagle" and your assignment is twofold: First, to get every country moving toward democracy. We know what democracy means---elections, elections, elections. It doesn't make much difference what the elections are about, just that they are going on, all the time. If you keep people busy all the time thinking about elections and candidates and issues, they never have the time to think about really changing things. Elections are designed to give people the feeling that change is underway, and the more elections you have the more talk there is about change, but less change actually occurs. It is the appearance of change that is the key. Your second task is to find a substitute for the Cold War. Something that will get their attention when they aren't watching football, or basketball, or baseball or hockey, or soccer, or Oprah, or Jerry, or Sally, or Rosie, etc. etc. etc.

TV is a great distraction, but you have to keep the people thinking about something new all the time. Our plan has to provide more of the endless fun and games that passes for serious life. We need a low-level lingering fear, very low key, but always lurking in the background. It makes people receptive to thinking about real or imagined threats, and makes them receptive to government efforts to "protect them." The Bill of Rights is important, but it can't stand in the way of a threat to our way of life.

Next is the Bravo team. Your code name is "Capital Gains," and your focus is on the economic system that we want to put into place around the world. The basis message is markets, markets, markets, which fits in with the Alpha Team message of elections, elections, elections. We want markets to replace traditional practices for producing and distributing goods, and state-centered practices that focus on central planning and politicized policies. Resources like capital, jobs, and factories must be allocated according to rational principles determining the most effective use of resources. We can't allocate resources according to human needs, but because of the needs of the economic system. Some people, even people in the U.S., think the purpose of the economic system is to give people jobs. Nothing could be further from the truth. The purpose is the most efficient and effective distribution of resources.

Bravo Team is not going to have an easy time making the case that markets are smarter than people. So we are going to try and bring people along by getting them interested in attractive technology.

Not more television again! We used to think that a TV in every hut or every community would take us down the road to modernization. Isn't this just warmed-over Rostow?

Slow down Spunky. Who said anything about television. We're talking PCs in every hut. You heard about Arbeit Mach Frei! well this is Internet Mach Frei! If the Bravo Team can get folks hooked on "internet empowerment" the same way that the Alpha Team is going to hook them with "elections empowerment," we will have the infrastructure for the brave new world.

I'm not convinced , chief. Isn't television better because it's the more passive technology and the whole idea is to keep people passive.

You never cease to amaze me Bif, still locked into the old paradigm. People who watch television don't necessarily buy all the crap that's pumped out, whether it's political hot air or new products. Television is a passive medium and that's the problem. But on the internet you get to interact with other people in chat rooms, and you get to call up all sorts of half-baked information that gives you the feeling that you are in charge. And on the commercial side, not only can you become a smart shopper, but you can buy immediately with a simple click. Can you imagine a world with 3 billion of our yellow brothers and sisters on the web. That's 6 billion ears for Johnson and Johnson cue tips. Do I need to draw you a picture? We are taking a paradigm shift! Get with it!

Okay, back to business. Now comes the icing on the cake, which is Charley Team. Their code name is "Mindrot" and I think they are going to have the most fun. They get to screw with peoples' heads. The goal here is to get "the plan" interiorized into how people think about themselves and the world about them. We are talking hegemony big time, because the plan will operate by itself, and the people will think they are in charge.

Now you are getting spooky, chief. I don't know what you're smoking but aren't you assuming major dumbness on the part of the common man?

Major dumbness? You want to talk major dumbness. I'm talking about folks who believe that people die and rise from the dead. Folks who are hungry but won't eat cows because they are sacred. People who kill female children because they are believed to have less value. And don't give me the common man shit. I'm not putting down the common man, but I'm also talking about scientists who believe that praying for sick people will improve their health, or that smoking doesn't cause cancer, or that Noah's Ark is responsible for the distribution of fossil deposits found in Africa. Give me a break!

I agree, it's time for a coffee break.

Not yet, Bif. Let me finish. Charley Team must get people when they are young and emotionally and intellectually open --that means vulnerable. We are talking the educational system and religion. Students, beginning in grade one, must see the world as an integrated system of states, hierarchically ordered according to different stages of development. People in different stages of development have different needs, and only when those needs are satisfied will they be able to move to the next stage.

Are we going back to Rostow again?

Not quite. It's Rostow with an important new twist. Old Walt was a true believer. He actually thought he discovered development theory's genetic code, its double helix--the key to economic development. But it was all economics and politics, and we all know that most of that is horseshit. There are no laws of development. The key is that people who have something, whether it is cash or a cow, want to hold on to it for themselves or their children. We are not going to tell kids about their country's stage of economic development, but about their cultural identity and about the modern values needed for the global village.

Sounds like you're blowing smoke, chief.

If you want to see smoke, get ready for the next target. Charley Team has to get people to think about religion in Oprah-speak terms. We are going to make religion a highly personal commodity. We are going beyond God to a personal spirituality. We are talking oneness with the true self. We are talking personal control. We are talking primordial forces. When Charley Team gets their plan in place, people won't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Hey, chief. Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?

You're funny Bif. But speaking of the Shah of Iran, he would still be running the country if we had a Charley Team back then. People would never have seen the Shah as a U.S. puppet. Once we get our plan into people's heads, it will be smooth sailing. Okay boys and girl, it's time to tap a kidney.  let's take 15 and return for some discussion of tactics.

(After the break)

Is everyone still awake?

We're bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, chief.

Let's review. After each team develops its plan of action in the areas of politics, economics, and culture, the next task is to pick two countries for demonstration projects. Each team will work out of the embassies in the demonstration sites, and use all our in-country assets and operatives. We should also connect with the appropriate NGOs in each country, because they will be only too willing to work with us, especially when they hear about the plan for democratic elections.


Liberals are the same all over the world, chief. just say the word democracy, or open and free elections, and they start salivating. But when the, quote-unquote, "wrong people," start winning elections they don't know what to do.

Right, Bif. That was the case with our man Haider in Austria. The liberals didn't know what to do when he won an open and free election. But that's the past. Let's move ahead. We are going to need a major front organization that will serve as the booster for our plan to bring democracy and development to the rest of the world.  I would love to us e the U.N., but that would be tough. It's too big, too unwieldy to control. And if we tried to run it out of the Security Council, there would be suspicion about big power domination. But I've got a goo alternative. Anyone here remember Anderson?

Yeah, she's the babe on Baywatch!

Your wrong, but a good idea. We can get Charley Team to use Baywatch-Anderson to do the promotional spots on television about the new educational programs.

I can see it now: Jugs for Justice in the Third World.

Half-right again, Bif. My Anderson's not that hot, but more useful for our purposes. I was speaking of John B. Anderson, who was a third party candidate for president in 1980. The thought of Ronald Reagan as president put him over the edge and he ran as a third party candidate. Anyway, he ran and he flopped. But now he is President and CEO of the World Federalist Association. And listen to how they describe themselves: "Dedicated to establishing a democratic U.N. federation limited to achieving positive global goals that nations cannot accomplish alone."

Incredible, made to order. Are you sure this guy is not already working with us. If this World Federalist thing didn't exist, we would have to invent it.

That's my feeling exactly. this organization is made to order for us. We will get a complete list of their members and supporters in Congress, media, and policy circles. The three Teams will have to coordinate in this area because we don't want to overload our approach to Anderson and the WFA. Okay, boys and girl, you know your assignments. Get together with your teams and let me know your meeting schedules and target dates for draft materials.

Can we all bow our heads and call upon the intelligent designer to oversee our efforts.

Cut the crap Bif! get to work!